W37 and 18.11.18

 In many ways, I celebrate the many facets of my journey in life. Being married is one of the biggest uncertain step that I have taken. And it is one of the best decision yet. It is amazing how love can drive you to delve into uncertainty with the utmost certainty.

Meeting you was by chance. Marrying you was a destiny.

I honestly thought that marriage would be the biggest life-changing moment in my life, apart from committing to a property and perhaps, occasional investment decisions.

It has came across my mind to be a parent. But that path was unsettling as it was uncertain. I am not a pessimist who lost all hope in the capability of procreating. I was just being a realist. But alas, I can only calculate the odds. But Allah knows best. I am now in W37.

I went for my regular check-up last 2 days. And broke down and wept in the car soon after. The doctor said that I might deliver as soon as this weekend. It is not that I am not happy. I am eager waiting for the day this child will be in my arms. But I was hoping you were next to me in this whole process.

Its a beautiful disaster moment. The moment when grueling meets beauty. Sweat meets tears of joy. Bloody scene meets the beautiful cry of our first new born. And it is a life and death experience. You shouldn't be alone in this moment. Just as we need two to create, we need both to greet our first born.

18.18.20. I was still feeling down. Then I got a beautiful bouquet from you. I got pranked. I really thought I wasn't getting any surprises this year. Although I wished you would announce your love to me via social media, I cant really have these expectations lingering. I should have known how you would function in this sort of moments. But, I am ecstatic. The feeling of being loved surpasses my frustration for a while.

I cried again that night. At the thought of missing you. And the fact that we cant change how things are. I might have to be alone in the time when I need you most. Then I thought, am I a bad Muslim? Why is it so hard for me to accept Qadr? 

I took a deep breath. Try to recollect my calmness and my positivity.

I surrender. I cant change this. I need to embrace this. 

We both are alone. In this fight. Alone physically anyway. But, I know, you are always there beside me. In your own subtle way. I hate it sometimes. But that is just you.

And I love you. Thank you for always being there.