I am complex, human

It crushes us when our anticipation doesn't match the reality of life.
Human.
It is in our nature.
To crave and long for something..picturesque.. at least from our point of view.
We tend to be a control freak at times but most of the time we maintained our composure.

We crave..perfection.
How one likes their egg to be half boiled.
Medium rare meat.
Salmon pink hijab.
No ice for me please.

We crave.details..
Sometimes.. it translates into relationship.
While you can ask the mamak for a kurang masin mi goreng, you can't just simply ask a person to change his habit of biting his nail from time to time, simply because you hate it.
The are subtle ways to do things.
You could work up a plan together, sit down and discuss the way forward.

But you cant force a discussion.
Some people need their own time and pace.
But i don't know about different pace and different opinion.
I don't know love if love exist if it is not mentioned.
I have my own complexity.
I don't know if my other half should accept me or should i be hiding my complexity?

What is love, anyway?
I don't know..I try to love Allah everyday..
I try to love mum and dad..
But sometimes i do snap...
I try to love my other half..
Wondering if he loves me too..

I am complex..honestly..i don't know whats wrong with me.
Is it me?
Or is it you and you and you?

I just wish I could find these answers.
Feel love as it is.
Feel anything as it is.
And not be afraid to make mistakes
Try not to correct others.
Have someone tell me, its okay.
Its okay to be yourself..your controlled self anyway..

I'm just tired.
Of wanting things to be okay.
I just want to accept things as it is.

I'm tired of pretending to be strong.
I need help too.

I just want to talk.
Without the fear of being judged.

I just want to feel tended to.
I need support.

But for now, i need to pray.
TO be stronger.
TO be cool.
TO be a good muslim..

Maybe then, I am worthy of your love..