W3 coming to W4

Motherhood is a beautiful journey. Not! I feel like it is more of a beautiful disaster. Being a mother in t he midst of Covid means having to do it alone,  with no husband by my side. Frankly, it sucks. I don't want to sugar coat my experience. Im just going raw and real. 

The excitement is surreal. Each time I look at Aaira's face, I fall in love. How can I deserve such a pure soul. How did this pure soul came out of me? I just melt at the sight of her.

There are days that I feel like I cannot take it. I remembered during the first week, I panicked since Aaira couldn't breastfeed since I wasn't lactating. I broke down crying. Good thing dad went to the rescue when he bought formula milk for Aaira so she could feed.

I broke down several times actually. I did not know that breastfeeding journey would be so hard. I thought it came naturally for everyone. Apparently, I thought wrong. I still could not fully breastfeed until now. But it's less stressful than it was the first time around. 

I broke down when I couldn't calm Aaira down. I did not know what she wants when she cried 30mins after sleeping every time. She was fine the first week around. She would sleep at least 2 hours per nap. But nowadays it's a different pattern for her. She couldn't really have a good sleep. It's worse during the night now. The day pattern continues through the night. 30mins or 1 hr of sleep. Then feeding. Repeat cycle. I cry. Its worse during the night as I am alone. That feeling of helplessness and cluelessness. It eats you up. Spit out guilt. Am I fit to be a mother? Where is my husband? Doesn't he want to see me and my baby? Our baby?

I guess it is normal? To feel this way. I am helpless and clueless. But I bet every first time parent feels the same?I am still struggling to accept the fact that my husband cannot join me in this journey for now. I miss him dearly. Vice versa. For now, I hope our state will open up its border for people like us. It hurts. It makes us. But most of all, we just want to be reunited. Until then, I guess I will have to endure this new beautiful disastrous journey that will hopefully make me.